Hey everyone! Here’s an uncontroversial ranking of all the celebrations currently sold in the box to promote friendly discussion. Enjoy!
- Maltesers – Teaser
The king of every celebration box. Anyone who believes Malteser-Teasers are anything less than sublime, frankly, doesn’t deserve a tongue. To think the subtle malty taste, the biscuity crunch and the sense of satisfaction you receive after having eaten one is anything less than perfection is the epitome of foolishness. All other foods pale in comparison to this. Michelin star restaurants need merely serve a single Malteser-Teaser in the centre of a large plate to ensure their 3-star rating for life. To say this would ‘Flowers of Albion’ your taste buds would be a gross understatement, even imagining other food brings nothing but despair when I think back on this perfect taste sensation.
I’m not saying I have, but I would murder literally dozens of people for this sweet sweet taste. Although, as a side note, the taste of human flesh does not pair well with Malteser-Tasers, it lacks the fruity tones that are really needed to pair with it. I’d instead suggest a strong white port. Overall, if you see someone else go for the last Maltesers-Teaser in the box, know this, you must do what you must, feel no shame, your actions are just, you will be absolved regardless of the actions you take. And so it goes with God. - Galaxy
Bosh. It’s chocolate. No fancy shit. No fucking caramel. Just good ol’ fashioned chocolate. People say no risk no reward, Galaxy don’t give a fuck. It says no risk all reward and it fucking gets it. If Galaxy were a person, they’d be the prick who doesn’t try, is great at everything anyway, and who you wish you could hate but can’t help but love. Others look on jealously at this overachieving, suave son of a bitch and longs to be as effortlessly charming. It has confidence, no extras to hide behind what it does and it knocks it out the ball park. A Galaxy will never let you down, it’s just chocolate, and a lot of the time that is exactly what you want. Bosh! - Snickers
You like peanuts? This got peanuts for days mother fucker! You want something that isn’t peanuts. Tough shit, it offers basically nothing else, but boy howdy has it got peanuts! Does the caramel add anything? No, but there are also peanuts as well and they’re great! Is there some chocolate? Yeah, but frankly that’s way less important than the peanuts! Are Snickers just less good versions of chocolate covered peanuts? Yes, yes they are, but they aren’t in the box so I can’t rank them. So overall, yeah, Snickers, pretty good. Pretty fucking good indeed. Especially if you want peanuts! - Bounty
Look guys, I came in wanting to hate bounties. I wanted to call them shit, and call the people who like then shit, or to realise I secretly love them, but honestly I can’t. They’re ok. If you don’t like coconut, yeah, you’ll hate it. But, if you don’t like coconut, why the fuck are you eating a Bounty? That’s dumb, it’s full of coconut, obviously you won’t like it… get over yourself. It’s fine. Bounties are fine, the texture is a bit of a let-down, but the coconut and chocolate go well together. Do bits get stuck in your teeth sometimes? A little, I guess, but honestly, that’s not the end of the world
This is so disappointing for me. I wanted to be filled with hate or love, and instead I feel nothing but apathy. Just nothing, a void of emotion. Emptiness. I had so much to say about the Bounty lovers and haters, and instead I fall in the middle, satisfying and pleasing no-one in equal measure. And so, we all grow to become what we despise. Never forget that, and if it’s Bounty that taught you that lesson, then at least it did something for the world. - Milky Way
Milky Ways are adequate. They bring little to the table and with that little they do what they can. If tepid water was a celebration, it would be a Milky Way. Is it pleasant, not particularly? Will you have it anyway, probably. Will you forget it in less than 10 minutes time, absolutely. It’s perhaps a bit too sweet. There you go. That’s an opinion I have on it, and it’s a stretch.
If any of you are angry about this ranking, just remember, this is a chocolate bar. This doesn’t matter. I feel sorry for you if you care about this, about something so trivial. Some people like Milky Ways, some people don’t. This doesn’t matter, and I hope for your sake, you have something more meaningful in your life than an undying hatred or love for a chocolate bar. And if you don’t, I don’t even have the energy to pity you. Milky Ways exist, that’s the truth, put that on your packaging. Anything else is just spin. Milky Ways exist, and in this case, that’s enough. - Mars
Mars, the basic bitch of the celebration box. It’s overly sweet, heavy, and, to be honest, just a less good Milky Way. You eat it, and the moment it enters your mouth you feel like you’ve made a poor choice regardless of the options left. It could be the only thing left in the box and afterwards you’d still question if you were just better off having nothing. And what makes it so sad is that it tried, it tried so hard, and you come away with something which is so much less than the sum of its parts. It’s a 16-year-old, looking for recognition in a painting they made. Yet you know it has no value, it’s terrible, you’re embarrassed for them. They should know it’s bad, and they don’t. They’re completely in the dark. But you don’t have the heart to crush their dreams, so you don’t, and they carry on thinking they did a good job. When they find out, they’ll blame you for letting them embarrass themselves, but you’ll say nothing every time. So learn from this, next time someone offers you a Mars, just say no. It’ll make both you and the world a better place. - Galaxy Caramel
This is Galaxy’s far less cool younger brother, who tries to be like them, and fails miserably. Just by putting the Galaxy name on it means you compare them, making their failure all the more obvious. It’s just Galaxy with some caramel in the middle, it doesn’t need to exist. The worst thing is the caramel isn’t even good. If it was good caramel, or there was less of it, it would have a chance. But it doesn’t. It never had a chance, and Galaxy knows it.
I can already see it now, 50 years’ time, Galaxy standing in a hospital, old themselves, but still strong. They enter a room, almost empty were it not for the figure in the bed, Galaxy Caramel, in a coma with no chance of waking. Galaxy wants to let it die, flick the switch on the life support and let it die, put it out of its misery. It’d look down on its brother, hearing the harsh heartbeat in the background as tears fill their eyes, knowing this would be for the best. But they couldn’t do it. They couldn’t bring themselves to end Galaxy Caramel, they didn’t have the heart. They’d leave the room, hoping Galaxy Caramel could get better, but it won’t, and so this scene will play out again forever more. The moment this comes to pass I’d be certain that my childhood was over. Truly, Galaxy Caramel is the death of youth. - Twix
Who invented Twix? Who put this travesty into the world? Nothing about it is good. Not one thing. Not a singular aspect of this fucking ‘chocolate bar’ is in anyway fit for use. Tasteless biscuit, check, weird caramel thing, check, thin layer if chocolate, check. It’s just shit. Not one element is good. Not one! How did this make it through any kind if taste test? One of the few pleasures I had after eating even a celebration sized Twix was knowing that they are so old, that if their creator is not already dead, I will probably outlive them. Not that I wish death on anyone, I merely derive an intense joy from the thought I will be alive and they won’t be.
I have spent many a long sleepless night pondering how this travesty could have come into being, and I have reached but one inevitable conclusion. It’s a joke, the final joke of some wronged employee, knowing their job was already lost, to ruin the company forever. Get the rejects, the bad biscuits, bad caramel, bad chocolate, put them all in one place. And low and behold, Twix was born, the worst ‘chocolate bar’ of all time. And then the employee would leave, forgotten to the realms of history, but leaving a long-lasting legacy. (Now I know what you’re thinking, do I still hope they’re dead if they made this intentionally terrible to spite their employers. The answer is yes, of course, you cretins, you guttersnipes. Do not doubt me.) So there they were, a company with the worst chocolate bar in the world, unsure of what to do, of how to save themselves. So they did the only thing they could, they committed to the bit. They pretended people liked the chocolate bar for so long that people convinced themselves they did. Hell, they probably even convinced themselves, the ultimate gaslighting scheme. It still works to this day, pumping out carboard and the masses eat it up. They ask for more, they even fool themselves they’re enjoying it, blind to the fact they are eating shit.
So, there we are, that’s how we live now, Twix is held as a God, as a good ‘chocolate bar’ and we are powerless to retaliate. But fear not, friends. I have news. The revolution starts now, no more will I allow humanity to live under the shadow of this false idol! The tyranny of Twix shall be no more! We are many, and Twix is but one (or two if you get the full size one). And though we may die, history will tell of our glorious fight, for even if we cannot win, surely our children will learn from our mistakes and rise up again. So, comrades, will you join the fight with me, for justice, for freedom? Or will you sit back idly as your ancestors did? I will not judge you, it is truly an intimidating task, I will merely let the historians do their worst when it comes to tell of you. So friends, to arms, so that we may die in glory as the spilling of blood brings about a new world. Overall, quite poor, 4/10.
Wasn’t that a fun objectively correct list? I hope you all enjoyed it! And just remember, just because someone’s opinion is different to yours, doesn’t make them right. Stand your ground and fight! There must be a loser, do not let it be you.
Kyle Writes Stuff 